


la douleur exquise

by chorusofthesong



Series: here, my dear! [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, some dreams aren't meant to come true
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 22:15:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7731760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chorusofthesong/pseuds/chorusofthesong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deep down, a small part of Mingyu always knew this day would come. Perhaps that's why every smile, every laugh cuts Mingyu so much deeper, now that there isn't any space left for him in Wonwoo's heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	la douleur exquise

**Author's Note:**

> la douleur exquise  
> (n.) the heart-wrenching pain of  
> wanting the affection of someone  
> unattainable

☼ ☼ ☼

 

“I asked Seulgi out yesterday.”

 

Mingyu takes in a deep breath, fingers pausing momentarily in the turning of the book’s pages before he’s looking down at the older boy sitting beside him. Wonwoo glances up at Mingyu to meet his gaze, and there’s an expectant smile on his lips.

 

“Well?”

 

“Well, what?”

 

“ _Well_ , aren’t you going to say anything?” Wonwoo pouts, tapping his pencil against the tip of his nose. “It took a lot of courage to ask her out, you know.”

 

Mingyu arches an eyebrow, and regards Wonwoo with an innocent blink. “Gosh, how could I have been so insensitive? Here’s a medal for finally growing the balls to confe—”

 

Wonwoo laughs and smacks Mingyu lightly on his thigh, eyes quickly disappearing into two familiar crescents. His ebony hair is swept up in a disarray by the young winter wind, and the longer strands are falling into his eyes. Mingyu bites his lips. Resists the urge to chide Wonwoo and brush his fringe back. There's no reason for him to do so— they're not young, naive children any longer.

 

Wonwoo’s scarf is slipping off his shoulders, though, and exposing him to the growing chill, so Mingyu reaches forward to tie it more securely around Wonwoo's neck. Mingyu can allow himself this much.

 

The older boy scrunches up his nose and sneezes, the scarf wrapped a little too tightly around his neck and mouth. Mingyu notices the silhouette of the scarf's frayed ends, and they're tickling Wonwoo's nose. He laughs at Wonwoo’s reaction, and earns himself a half-hearted glare.

 

“No medals needed, but perhaps a pat on the back or two?” Wonwoo replies, looking back down at the sketchbook he has sprawled out on his lap. His voice is muffled by the soft wool.

 

Mingyu steals a quick glance at the pages. There’s a half-finished drawing of a girl on one of them, and Mingyu can just barely make out the gentle slope of Seulgi’s nose and the charming upslant of her slender eyes.

 

“You’ve liked her all the way through high school and university," Mingyu says, crossing his legs in front of him. "Frankly, I think I have the right to be more exasperated than happy that you've only asked her out now, after we’ve all graduated."

 

Wonwoo smiles and shrugs his shoulders. He’s tracing the sketch lines of his drawing faintly with his fingers, but Mingyu doesn’t think Wonwoo's consciously doing so, judging by the far-off gaze in his eyes and the way his lower lip is caught beneath his teeth.

 

“Life likes to work out in ways we don’t expect it to, Mingyu."

 

Wonwoo’s phone rings then, and Mingyu manages to catch a glimpse of the name flashing on the screen before Wonwoo is quickly putting it away. Mingyu turns to look at the view of the Hangang river in front of him, licking his lips once— they’re chapped and dry, something he has become accustomed to. He really should invest in some lip balm.

 

“You should probably get going, no?” Mingyu says, closing his book with a quick snap. He focuses on the rhythmic rise and fall of the river in a bid to quell the sinking feeling in his stomach. “Wouldn’t want to be late for your date.”

 

“Nah, I want to stay out a little longer with you. We haven’t seen each other in more than a week,” Wonwoo says, frowning as he looks down at his watch. “She’s early, anyway.”

 

Mingyu keeps his eyes on the waves, and drums his fingers on his book to keep time. It's an easy way to keep his mind focused, because if Mingyu were to give in to his emotions and face Wonwoo right now, he would immediately lose all resolve to be unselfish.

 

 _Yes, stay with me. Please,_ please _, stay with me._

 

The words hang on the tip of Mingyu’s tongue, waiting and begging to be said. Instead, Mingyu finds himself forcing a smile onto his face, and nudging Wonwoo gently with his elbow.

 

“It’s not nice to keep a lady waiting, Wonwoo.” Mingyu makes the first move and gets up from the bench. There’s an audible sigh from somewhere behind him as Wonwoo gets up as well, clothes rustling as he stuffs his pencils and sketchbook inside his backpack.

 

“Alright, alright, I’m going,” Wonwoo says. He slings his backpack onto his shoulders and points a finger at Mingyu. His fringe is still messy. “I’ll update you later, so don’t fall asleep on me tonight!”

 

Mingyu thinks back onto the many occasions he had stayed up just to text Wonwoo during their university days, and the hushed laughter they always had to suppress in order not to wake up their roommates. They still stay up together, sometimes, except texts messages have been traded for phone calls and sleepy, half-conscious murmurings at a quarter past two in the morning. The chats are always about mundane, inconsequential things, but Mingyu doesn't mind, if only for the fact that they remind him of a time long ago, a time when he could still confidently say that Wonwoo was just a friend to him (and not be lying through his teeth). Things would be so much simpler if they stayed the same as then. 

 

“Can’t promise that,” Mingyu says, tucking his book under his arm. He pulls his coat tighter around himself, because the wind has gotten stronger and Mingyu doesn’t want to catch a cold. 

 

He’s adjusting the buttons when there’s a sudden pressure around his neck, and there’s Wonwoo placing his own scarf around Mingyu, hands resting lightly on Mingyu’s shoulders.

 

“Stay warm on your way home, Mingyu,” Wonwoo says, smiling as he places his hands into his pockets. His smile is warm and affectionate and fond and Mingyu absolutely _hates_ just how badly it makes his heart ache.

 

“Don’t be silly, you need it more than I do— ” Mingyu starts, gesturing at the thin pullover Wonwoo has on and frowning. He has almost undone the scarf when suddenly, Wonwoo rises up on his tiptoes and hugs Mingyu, locking his arms tightly around Mingyu’s neck. Mingyu freezes and bites his lips, because what else can he do, really, other than to hold his breath and wait for Wonwoo to let go?

 

Wonwoo holds his embrace for what seems to be an eternity before he’s abruptly turning on his heels and running. Mingyu reaches out with a hand, startled.

 

“Idiot— if you fall sick because of me, I won't meet you ever again!” Mingyu calls out. Wonwoo looks back over his shoulder and grins, eyes bright and glowing.

 

“You love me too much— you don’t have the heart to!” Wonwoo sings back before he’s running again down the path, backpack bouncing on his shoulders. “See you soon!”

 

Mingyu watches as Wonwoo's silhouette rapidly disappears from view. He sits back down on the bench and touches the woolen scarf around his neck. It smells of spearmint and strawberries and Wonwoo.

 

Mingyu takes it off and turns the scarf over in his hands. The echo of Wonwoo's voice is still ringing in his head, and Mingyu so badly wants to be happy for his friend, but he can't stop the smile slipping from his lips. There's a sudden chill that makes itself home in Mingyu's chest, gripping him and shaking him with a strength that goes straight to his bones, but it does nothing to numb the ache in Mingyu's heart that's only getting worse. 

 

In less than an hour’s time, Wonwoo will be in a nice cafe downtown, sitting across the girl of his dreams and laughing and talking to her. Mingyu can picture Wonwoo pulling the ends of his sweater over his hands in the nervous habit he has had for years, and Wonwoo leaning earnestly across the table just to hear Seulgi better as she laughs behind her hand. He thinks of Wonwoo’s adoring gaze and heartfelt smile, and curses himself for being so weak.

 

“That’s the problem.”

 

Mingyu presses his hand to his chest and closes his eyes, leaning against the bench's frame. With time, he thinks, the pain will fade, and he will move on the same way Wonwoo has one day. Just for today, though, Mingyu surrenders himself to his feelings. He allows himself to hurt, and oh god, does it hurt.

 

“I do love you,” Mingyu whispers aloud, to the quiet pathway and empty skies. Only the wind is present to witness his confession, and the cold air continues to swirl around Mingyu in an unfeeling embrace. He presses the heels of his palms to his eyes and sighs, a shudder running through his entire body.

 

Just for today, Mingyu allows himself to yearn. Just for today, Mingyu allows himself to be weak.

 

Mingyu's vision turns blurry and a choked sob leaves unbidden from his lips. He can feel the familiar stinging of tears in his eyes, but nothing even begins to compare to the hollowness in his heart that threatens to drag him under, the darkness and melancholy that has him gasping for air. Mingyu grieves for the chances that have been left untaken, and the words that have been left unspoken.

 

Just for today, Mingyu allows himself to love Wonwoo.

 

☼ ☼ ☼ 

**Author's Note:**

> started this collection for my more exploratory works, so there will probably be paragraphs here and there from stories i don't have the motivation to finish and prompts that are more out of my comfort zone! i'm open to pairing and prompt suggestions, so do leave them down below, and i'll try my best to write them! thoughts are always welcome! :-) 
> 
> (this is probably as close to a straight pairing as i'm going to get coughs)


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